Its 3-30 in the morning. And I am logged into blogger! The reasons are two- firstly I cannot study and I can think of nothing better to utilise my sleepless night....and secondly its sheer waste of web-space if you create a blog and donot write anything in it. Hence-another attempt.
Now, what can I talk about? College, which has recently been over? Exams, coming in twenty days? Cricket, India out in the first stage of worls cup? Or the parties, which have ironically become an integral part in preparing for the exams? Now while I type these words in, the conflict in my mind becomes more evident. I dont know what should get priority in my life. Merely changing the profile name to priority doesnot make me an expert in priority.Its a way of consoling myself. Nothing else. My father has always told me, " Do everything in life, but always keep in mind what your priority is." Alas! I still cannot make out what that intended to mean.
There was a time-in school...I was in the 9th standard I guess..I thought the ultimate priority in life should be love. Not only Romance, but to love and to be loved by everyone. Now I know its not practical. Atleast not for someone like me. I have my own style which doesnot suit everyone. So its natural for many people to hate me, as I hate many. So the priority in life cannot be love. It got to be something else. What?
A good academic record, a good salary, a ' safe' job and a life with a beautiful wife- is it the goal of life? If so, then the road to that life is undoubtably studies. Then, the basic priority of me, a student's life should necessarliy be studies. Fair enough. But somehow I get the feeling that my life is not meant for that. Then for what? The latenights and the wild parties that I have had enough of? Or mere satisfaction of somewhat living upto the childhood fantasies? But I know this is not the answer. I dont know the answer, but what I know is that this is not the answer.
I know what I want to achieve and somewhat know the path to glory too. I just cannot go on. I know I have to do this and that, but always unable to do that. I know my life is all messed up and I should re-arrange everything, but the fear of recognising a darker side stoppes me. And this is the tragedy!
Can life get more difficult than this? Maybe yes. Maybe no.I dont know.
