That dream

Does it happen to anyone else? It happened to me a few days back.

I was dreaming something, something that I would die for. Her head resting on my arms, her soft hands tightly holding mine. Her smell all over me. We were so close. Our eyes closed.

I knew it was a dream. In my dream, I knew if I opened my eyes, I would wake up to reality. Knowing it was a dream, I continued dreaming. After sometime, I opened my eyes.

My doubts were true, it was just a dream.

I was skeptical, yet I closed my eyes again, in hopes I would have the same dream again. And surprise!

Within micro seconds, I was again there. At the same place, with the same emotions.

Human mind is strange. Dreams are stranger.

(P.S. For those who asked, the strange thing was that I knew it was a dream in the dream. Not like a dream continuing after you wake up and sleep again. Strange, no?)

Dream and frustrations

So, after quite a while, in a mood to blog again. But do I have anything new to say? Unfortunately, no. 

Change is the only constant, they say. I don't think so. In a monotonous routine, life is the only constant. 

So, the routine is - struggle to wake up early in the morning, somehow get up from bed, run to the bathroom, reach office, do your job, come back home, have a drink, eat and go to sleep. And meet people in between if schedules or conveniences permit. 

I know I am not alone in this, many of us have this same issue with life. What many do not carry is the frustration of not being able to get past a billboard without looking at the bold 'wrong way' sign. 

Am I complaining? No, I have stopped complaining long back. Its like my asthma. Initially when I found out I can't breath at times, I tried to look for ways to cure it. Later I realized it was incurable. I learnt to live with it. Me and my asthma co-exist now. Just like me and my quiet frustrations do. Just like I have learnt to laugh with people or laugh at myself on an innocent asthma joke, I also learnt to take the frustrations in my stride. 

Yet, you hope of a better life, you dream of living a dream. It may be an impossible dream, yet that motivates you. That adds some purpose to your monotonous life. If this dream sours like a broken glass, so be it, you will find a new dream.

Its strange how dreams change. That depends on what you think is remotely achievable.

Sample this. 

You are married to the woman you love. You Dream of being her son's father.

You are in a relationship, a genuine one. You dream of getting married or having sex.

You are trying to impress a girl you really love. You dream of getting into a relationship.

You need a partner. You dream of finding a girl.

The shift to one dream to another depends on what you achieve, and what you don't. 

That's life. You need to make the adjustments. And let frustrations sleep with you. :)

Love

For people like me, love is elusive. Always.

She does not have a heart of stone. No, she does not. In fact, she has a heart of Gold!

The problem is I do not have a mind. Even if I have one, I know not when and how to use it.

I am selfish. I want my love. And I don't care about her love. That's true. That's probably criminal, yet that's what it is.

Its amazing how just the sight of her makes me forget everything else, and just makes me fall in love all over again. I don't even remember how many times I have fallen in love. Always with her.

She has issues. Justified issues. The primary issue is me.

I wish I were a better man to suit her. But the issue is I have issues too. Despite that, I still hope against hope. Old habits die hard, you know.

I hate losing. I never lose a battle. People who know me know that as well. Its normal 2+2=4 that she thinks I pursue her because I hate losing her. Its beyond that. Its not that. I seek not her for I want to win, I seek her because that's the only thing I know.And I do a bad job at that.

I am totally shocked at the thought that we had so few good moments together. We fight, we complain and we stay away. Considering the amount of time we spent together, that's a scary thought. Kills your confidence that you will ever find someone to keep happy for all your life. ,

Yet, the sight of her gives me goosebumps. The solution is not that we stop meeting. Doesn't work. There is a thing called a dream, you know. But even in dreams, she remains elusive. Yet the love remains.

I know that I am impossible at times. Thankfully, the people I stay with are really awesome. Yes, we do fight, even silent fights at times, but we know each other. I work over hours, I don't help them cook, yet they  understand how things are.

But this post is about her. Lets talk of her. This morning I decided not to pursue this. As usual, that did not work. Never works.

I am convinced now. I have been told how it is. Yet, the elusive hope stays. It will go. Soon.

College kid!

Yes, I am a college kid!

I do things that college kids do, I like things that college kids do, I worship things that college kids do.

But hey, wasn't college fun?

Okay, let's begin from the beginning. :)
Isn't it a terrible feeling feeling that you come across as scary, hated or unreasonable? It is? Then let me tell you what is more terrible.
Its being immaterial. Its when you realize that you do not matter. The only thing that you probably want is for yourself to matter. And no, doesn't always happen.
Who do you have to blame? yourself! and others!

Its all about the time, I have realized. If you are having a smooth time, you are. If you are not, you ain't. The tragedy of life is that external forces impact interpersonal relations like nothing else does, no?

Lost love is not a big deal. Lost significance is!

A 'cryptic' truth

"I know the truth. And very well. So what? I refuse to believe it. Even if you call me unreasonable, I still will not. It is more comforting that way, rather than digesting the impossibly hard truth."

So I put the above as my Facebook status today.Very briefly. I could not keep it any longer as speculations began to fly about the'cryptic' status; about whether I am drunk, what could have prompted that, if I meant what I said and a whole bunch of other things. I decided to delete it. Was hating the unwanted queries.

Now when I think of it, I wonder if that did not really make any sense. I thought it did. Because I really felt that way. But may be others don't. I am a little crazy any way.

But to justify the reason of such a 'rocket-science' status to myself, I need to go back to my flow of thoughts. It all started with an inconvenient truth. Its about absence, yours.

That is a truth. Universal. It is a fact I know, and I understand. The presence that was comforting me till a year back, had hit a road bump and stopped being there. The presence was too comforting to allow me to take it for granted. The consequences were inevitable.

The presence, of you, was too good a thing to be there forever. The luck, of me, was too bad to last forever. The dreams, ours, were too different to combine into a singular goal (Thanks for pointing that out :)

Yet, when I see you, I love you. When I do not, I love you even more. I can be choosy in seeing your images when you are not around. I can afford to do silly things and get away with them without pissing you off when you are not around. :P But wait, that's precisely why I want you around, all the time. To let me learn how not to piss you off, again.

That is never going to happen, you tell me. I understand that. I understand the reasons behind it. I understand that the sideways movement was far too strong for me to try working against it. I understand your comforting presence is never going to come back.

But somehow I can not accept it. That does not imply I have not tried. I have tried my best to do that. In as many ways possible. Even in ways that made me go further away from you. The vices crept in, and your brutal honestly could have been the only medicine. It was not to be. :)

Now before I drift away, let's go back to the beginning. I have a truth in front of me, which, if I accept, will only make me worse. Or I have the option of being unreasonable, live in a dreamworld and stay that way. And wait for a better alternative than dreams - a miracle. They do happen, you know. :)

Was my status really crazy? I don't think so.

Excuses!!

I do make excuses for vices. And yes, I am kind of open about them. To you, at least.

Ever thought why? Because I want your aid to get me out of it. Because I think you are the only one who can help. Because you know you can help. Also, may be because I know you will know when I admit this?

Do I think you will help me out? You bet I do. Do I promise myself to get away off the vices with you around? Yes, of course!

There there! Here is the difference. I promise myself? No promise to you? No promise to anyone else? Proves the selfish theory once again? May be. :)

But yet beyond all of it lie I, I who is looking for the lost Gold. I, who thinks the Gold can be regained. And I, who thinks YOU are the alchemist. You know you are. You know the vices will vanish the moment I find the alchemy. In case you don't, KNOW NOW (and stop pretending) :P

Vices (or THE VICE) do not make me happy. In No way. I just need an excuse to get out, like losers do. :)

Get me out of the mud. Help me convert the mud into Gold. You do hear the plead, don't you?

The question

It is indeed the strangest and the most confusing question : When everyone else can see the "To Let", why do I only see the "Too Late?"